Today, I ended my 30 day detox and decided the best way to completely piss away my hard work would be to try out Burger King for the first time. The queues, as you well know, have been inordinate during the opening weeks of this mass-market marvel of excess consumerism. And, I won’t lie to you Hudsons, the bright red lights reeled me in and had their filthy way with me. As the tears streamed down my face and fell onto my deteriorating upper body, I did have a brief moment to reflect on exactly why it is that my soul feels so tainted at having frequented this house of shame.
As I stood waiting with all the other sad, sick looking faces for my order number to be called by the King’s heralds, I noticed that almost all of these once happy people seemed medically attached to their bottomless Pepsi – in what felt like a ritualistic, self-inflicted, cattle force feeding of refined sugar. The darkness in me began to emerge. I judged them, I judged them all Hudsons just as the same sweet anxiety-inducing carbonated bubbles of happiness trickled down the back of my throat…
“Order 256!” the call rang out. It was not my number Hudsons, I was number 143. What the hell happened to the 113 orders in between? Before I knew it the next call came down, “691!” WHAT!?! My anxiety grew along with that of the rest of the proletariat with which, by now, I had developed strong kinship. In an attempt to restore numerical sanity, I went to re-fill my cup. It just felt like the right thing to do. It came as naturally as if it were my very next breath. No luck. “287”. Tens of seconds later, my number finally came as if sung by Josh Groban: “143 – you raise me up…” within split seconds I had forsaken my people and snatched up the brown paper bag like a wild beast and ran out gnawing at my straw. I barricaded myself in my car and began devouring what the King deemed fit to feed me.
It was at this moment that I caught a glimpse of my ketchup-stained-reflection in my rearview mirror, of the man I had become. The tears began to flow. How could I let this happen, how could I betray you like this? You have always been there for me. How could I fall so far from grace? How could I let human kind down like this?
Please find it within your heart to forgive me.